Wizards in star-spangled purple robes? Treasure chests that eat people!? Let’s face it. D&D is begging to be made fun of. And who can resist cracking a joke?
Not you, that’s for sure. That’s why I scoured the internet for your most cringeworthy D&D jokes.
So get ready for the worst, most terrible, and completely obnoxious D&D jokes. That will at best… make you snicker.
Terrible D&D Dad Jokes
Player: I have a worthless character.
DM: Yes, and that bard your playing isn’t great either.
How do you know if your magic sword is blunt?
When it starts critiuing your form during combat.
By Paul Camp
Why do paladins wear chainmail?
Because it’s holey armor.
How do you get a D&D player to go out with you?
You ask them for a d8
Why did the Halfling stop dating his Warforged girlfriend?
Because she was too high maintenance
What’s a beholder’s favourite food?
How does the paladin protect against the heat of a Fire bolt?
He turns up his AC!
What forest animal helps the druid get that nice green colour for their robe?
A Dyer Wolf!
What tool helps a wizard with writing the correct runes into their spellbook?
A Spell Checker!
If the barbarian has ten gold pieces, and the rogue steals half of it, what does the rogue take?
1d12 slashing damage.
What’s a great D&D joke?
What happens when you stand on a d4?
Your foot takes 1d4 damage.
Where does the ranger keep their arrows?
In the monsters!
Which body of water do you get bonuses to sail across?
Why was the musician kicked out of the tavern?
He was bard!
What do you get when you cross the wizard and the rogue?
Time to roll initiative.
Why do wizards like fireball much?
It’s a well-rounded spell.
Why haven’t we had a playtest for psion in so long?
Because it you checked it out now, it’d blow your mind!
How to Aarakocra prefer to send messages?
What do you call a cult of deep old one warlocks who worship their astral ankheg overlords?
What is a cleric’s favourite hot drink?
Why is a necromancer not always a bad guy?
Sometimes they just want to raise a family in peace!
Bad D&D Dad Jokes
Why was the gnome artificer embarrassed when his clockwork crocodile stopped working?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why are tabaxi podiatrist good with money?
Because they’re experienced bean counters.
Our cleric will sometimes stop the combat just to have a drink with his god!
He calls it ‘The wine intervention’.
What do you call a thousand-year-old fey?
What is that mineral called that’s just out of reach and gives you a choice?
Did you guys hear about the magic skillet?
It’s made of cast iron.
What happened to the demon when his girlfriend joined the Holy Order?
He got FIEND-ZONED.
How do you call a magician who’s incredibly good with cooking?
My warlock got hit in the face pretty hard last session and lost a tooth,
He now has to wear Braces of Defense.
What do you call an Ent in a blizzard?
Why did the Drow become a comedian?
For the Lolth.
Awful D&D Dad Jokes
Image: Forrest Imel
What’s a rogue’s favorite medium armor?
What’s a rogue’s favorite metal?
What do you call an orc with two brain cells?
Why are there no dwarven lawyers?
They cannot pass the bar.
Two ogres are flanking a gelatinous cube (or whatever…)
ogre 1: How you get at other side of the cube?
ogre 2: What you talking about? You at other side!
Do you know the difference between a DM and a Gibbering Mouther?
One is a horrible, slimy, disgusting monster and the other one is a creature from the Monster Manual.
2 bards are standing on a bridge, when the first one emits a stinking cloud.
The second one says:
‘I didn’t know you could cast that spell!’
To which the first one replies:
An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.
The orc says, “We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands.” The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.
The elf says, “The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home.” The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.
The dwarf looks around. “Let me get this straight,” the dwarf says, “the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?” The Efreeti nods. “Very well, then,” said the dwarf, “I’ll have an ale.”
What’s the difference between metahumour and metagaming?
One’s weird and usually quite funny, and the other’s a type of joke.
An orc asks another orc
Orc 1: What’s the difference between an elf, and a trampoline?
Orc 2: I dunno
Orc 1: You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
Orc 1: What’s the difference between a Wand of Cure Moderate Wounds and a Rod of Wonder?
Orc 2: I dunno
Orc 1: Well, I’m not gonna make you the party healer then.
You know, that sword may not be beautiful, but it IS in the eye of the beholder.
Awful D&D Jokes… about light bulbs
How many succubi does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but how do they get in the bulb?
How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb, four to drink ’till the room spins.
How many high elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends. Change it into what?
How many Paladins does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to put in the new bulb, and another to “uphold the light”
Awful D&D Jokes… in a bar
Image: Forrest Imel
How do you get a bar full of Dwarves up on the roof?
Yell “drinks on the house!”
An Elf, a Human, and a Dwarf Go into a bar and order a beer.
Before they drink, a fly lands in each one.
What do you call a raging barbarian?
Anything you like – you can’t make Listen checks while Raging.
The Elf shoves the beer away in disdain.
The Human waves the fly away and drinks the beer.
The Dwarf picks the fly up, holds it over his glass and yells, “Spit it all out you little *******!”
A Warlock, a Crusader, and a Marshall walk into a bar. The bartender shouts at them, “Get out of here! Core only!”
A cleric, a druid, and a goblin walk into a bar.
The goblin looks to other two and say “oops, I’m in the wrong joke.
A gnome entered a bar. He stood by the counter and asked by some wine. Seconds passes. He asks again… nothing.. he starts to jump, trying to look over the counter, and asking “I want a wine! I want a wine!.
He gets upset and walks around it, and finds another gnome jumping, trying to look over the counter, asking “red or white? Red or White?”
A human was selling melons in the fair, when a huge orc approached him, and said out loud “I WANT TO BUY HALF OF A MELON”. The guy, intimidated with the orc’s size, replied “I can’t sell you half of a melon… I’ll have to ask my boss…” He leaves to one of the tents, and the orc follows him without him noticing. Getting in there he says “boss, there’s a darned son of a @$^*#^% out there, wants to buy half of a melon”. He looks back, and finds the orc standing right behind him “… and this gentleman want to buy the other half”.
A Kobold, A Warforged, and a zombie walk into a bar.
Kobold says, “my warren was invaded last week, only me and my best friend made it out alive.”
Bartender says, “That’s too bad.” The Kobold gets a free beer.
Warforged says: “I went with my creator and his party to stave off an invasion from armies of Terrasques. I was the only one to survive.”
Bartender silently hands him a beer.
Zombie says “Well, Me and some friends headed into the Tomb Of Horrors…”
Bartender cuts him off: “Hey buddy, no one likes a showoff.”
Awful D&D jokes… about goblins
How many goblins does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw ’em.
What’s the difference between a dead goblin and a cannon ball?
Only the dead goblin can be lifted with a pitchfork.
What’s green, red, and bumps into walls?
A Goblin with forks in its eyes.
What’s worse than ten dead goblins in a ditch?
One dead goblin in ten ditches.
What’s funnier than a dead goblin?
A dead goblin in a clown suit.
Horrible D&D Dad Jokes
Two rangers that are out hunting for food are walking through Tangleroot Forest, and discover a large well in the ground.
One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen…………nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen…………nothing.
He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I’ll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we’ll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.
After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitment and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That damn thing just jumped in that well!!
The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, “Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?”
One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn’t have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.
A monk walks over to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”
DM. The door is shut and locked.
Fighter. I kick the door down…
…DM. The door is unlocked.
Fighter. I kick the door down…
…DM. The door is ajar.
Fighter. I walk over to the door, shut it and kick it down.
What’s the difference between a wizard and a sorcerer?
The fighter, rogue, cleric, and wizard are battling a lot of ghouls.
The fighter does his best in the midst of them hoping his high AC keeps him healthy. The rogue can’t sneak attack so pings away with a bow from afar. The cleric joins the fighter battling the ghouls after spending three rounds casting Divine Favor, Bull’s Strength, and Protection From Evil on himself. The wizard casts Web hoping to hold off some of the ghouls, a Flaming Sphere to help the fighter with hit point attrition, and uses a scroll of Mirror Image for defense. It’s a tough battle lasting several rounds. The cleric heals himself a bit. The wizard eventually has to resort to Magic Missile and even firing a crossbow. At last the final ghoul drops to the fighter’s blade, but too late, that ghoul had already killed the cleric. After the party drinks several potions of healing and a few rounds after that, they get ready for battle again as the cleric’s corpse rises as a ghoul. The rogue exclaims, “Oh so now he turns undead!”
Ghastly D&D Dad Jokes
Anytime they see an undead. “People are dying to look like that guy”
Why did the dragon sleep during the day? To fight the knight!
Two ogres sitting there and this worg is just licking itself. The first ogre says to the second ogre.. I wish I could do that.. .
The other says ‘nah, he’d bite you’
Two Orcs are sitting, eating a bard in harlequin costume. One turns to the other and says “Does this taste funny?
Did you hear about the sensitive rogue thief?
He took everything personally.
What does the ogre call a knight in armour?
What does a dragon call a knight in armour?
Okay, that’s all the cringeworthy D&D Dad jokes I can handle for now. I hope you enjoyed, though I seriously doubt it.
Disclaimer: I have absolutely NO IDEA if these add up to a hundred jokes. Go ahead… Count them… See if I care.
Post mage credit: Wizards of the Coast